The Monster Diaries

Thursday 27th June – Saturday 29th June

I am off sick today! On Monday and Tuesday, I felt like I was burning up and then on Wednesday I came out in a cold and scratchy throat. Last night I did not get a wink of sleep, I felt warm and restless and was irritated by The Husbands breathing in my face (I often fantasise about having a big enough house so that we can have our own rooms).

However, regardless of whether I am sick or not I have to get the kids to school and as Youngest Child’s school is next door to where I work, I often just end up going in even if I feel unwell, as I have to drive there anyway. Today though, The Husband said he would take her, so my plan was to make the packed lunches and then go back to bed. Middle Child got up at 6.15am and informed me that, as she was going to a cricket tournament today, she had to be in school by 7.45am. I pointed out that this was in an hour and a half and that would mean leaving in 45 minutes to get the train and I was supposed to be sick and really didn’t want to drop her at the station and couldn’t she just ride her bike. This brought on a bout of the bitching and whining she has got so good at recently, so I stropped into the bedroom and declared to The Husband that I can’t even be sick because I am still expected to run everyone around. Surprisingly, The Husband offered to drop her at the station. “But that means you will have to go to the station and then come back and get Youngest Child and then take her to school!” I explained, thinking there was no way he was going to do that. Yet again he surprised me by saying that was alright!

I think he is trying to get into my good books as we had a row yesterday evening. Well when I say a row, I did a lot of shouting and ‘putting him in his place’ and he tried to be defensive but didn’t try very hard because he knew he was in the wrong.

After picking Youngest Child up from her induction day at the secondary school, he had taken her back to work with him. Eldest Child was already there, trying to earn the money to pay for the bedroom renovation (and earning more money for a day’s work than I do). At around 4pm The Husband decided they could go home and sent them off together to walk home. Now although I would have had a slight problem with this, had they taken the long route home via the main roads I would have probably had a bit of a moan and then left it. However, they did not take the long route via the main roads but they took the short cut, that Gorgeous and I had taken the other week to get the key, via the nature reserve, the lonely railway bridge and the rubbish strewn path through the park. This route is extremely lonely and just the sort of place you would hang out if you were up to no good as the chances of you being seen would be extremely slim. I would not have walked that way if I hadn’t had Gorgeous there with me as I would worry about rapists hiding in the long grass or muggers with knives. So, the fact that my 16-year-old son had accompanied his 11-year-old sister that way did not please me one bit. The Husband lives in this blinkered world where he only thinks about what he has got going on, whereas I, as many mothers do, live a state of perpetual anxiety about the safety of the children and in my head, have lived through many traumatic events that will probably never befall them. For instance, remember the Boxing Day tsunami? Well I spent a week in complete distress as I imagined myself and the children being swept away and having to make the decision which ones I kept hold of, having only two hands and three children but in the end, all three of them were lost to me. I recall spending a whole afternoon literally curled up in the armchair, sobbing, until I mentally gave myself a slap and told myself to pull oneself together. Seeing as I will not even get on a plane since 9/11 and seeing as the UK isn’t really known for its tsunamis, the likelihood of this happening to us is practically zero.

Of course, though, you can imagine the kind of scenarios that were going through my head, having discovered where my precious angels had been.

Perhaps it was this and not my snotty nose that had kept me awake all last night!

Sick or not, I had booked six tickets for the cinema tonight and seeing as The Husband had let us down, I had invited the Mother in Law, who was really looking forward to it, so I had to still go.

Typically, I bumped into my friend’s daughter who had been doing some work experience with us this week. She mentioned that she hadn’t seen me today so I told her that I had been off sick. She had the good grace not to ask me what I was doing out at the cinema then.

Eldest Child quite clearly found it extremely uncool to be out with his mum, his nan and his sisters and walked about half a mile ahead of us on the way there. Then there was a strop because I asked him to carry a bag (that contained his sweets and drink) and complaints of why he always has to do everything and he had to go to the chicken shop tonight (it was him who wanted chicken for dinner). Despite the fact that several times I saw him laughing during the film, he claimed he didn’t enjoy it and it was really boring! FFS!

I, on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed it and absolutely sobbed my heart out at the end, to the disgust of The Middle Child who declared “you are so embarrassing!” The Mother in Law thought this was completely hysterical and wet herself laughing all the way home. Apparently, she is going to tell everyone at work about how she was feeling sorry for me because she thought I had really bad hay fever but then she realised I was crying my eyes out. Great!

I got home and within five minutes I received a text message from my boss! “Hope you are feeling better,” it said. Now my boss is lovely and probably just sent the message to genuinely wish me better. However, I took this as code to say “heard you were at the cinema tonight, either you have had a miraculous recovery or you were skiving today!”

I replied “still a bit snotty and throat sore but I will be back tomorrow regardless.” Let’s hope I manage to get some sleep tonight then! FML!

On Friday evening I came home from work carrying two bottles of prosecco and announced to The Husband that we would be ordering Chinese because I’d had a bad day and so wasn’t cooking. I don’t really want to talk about why I’d had a bad day, but lets just say it involved the menopausal monster and a colleague. So it was that I had decided to pick up two bottles of prosecco on the way home (they were on offer, two for £18 so why would I only get one bottle?) and try and ease my embarrassment over the whole thing by sitting in front of the telly and getting slightly tipsy, while eating Chinese food and chocolates. As an added bonus Eldest Child was staying at a friends and Youngest Child was staying at the Best Friend From Next Door But One’s house, so it should be a fairly quiet evening.

However, when I got home there was a parcel waiting for me. Remember when I said I had taken some great photos on the family day out to London. Well, whilst browsing social media I saw an advert for photo tiles that you can stick to your wall and remove without it leaving a mark. So, on impulse I ordered a set of five using the photos I had taken of the family.

I was impressed upon opening the box, the photos were lovely and were set off by white frames around them, which would go perfectly in my hallway which has beige walls with white paintwork and furniture.

I got to work straight away, enlisting the help of Middle Child who was in charge of the spirit level and measuring the gaps between all the photos to make sure they were evenly spaced, while I had the important task of peeling the tape off the sticky strip on the back of the photo and sticking it onto the wall.

It took no time at all to attach them to the wall and we stood back to admire our work. BANG! One of the photos fell down, crashing onto the radiator. After several attempts to put it back up and it coming down again, I thought I had cracked it, when another one fell down. Twice more this one fell down and on the second attempt it fell behind the radiator and got stuck, and as I was trying to peer behind the radiator to see where the photo had gone, the first photo fell down again. FFS!

It took half an hour, a kebab skewer, a spatula, a feather duster and a snooker cue, as well as Middle Child lying on the floor with her hand up the back of the radiator, to retrieve the stuck photo and I then found that the sticky tape on the back of it was now no longer sticky and covered in fluff and dirt. FML!

Fortunately I had some left over sticky stuff from those no nails hooks, so I attached that to the back of them and then we stuck them back on the wall and lined everyone’s shoes up along the radiator to stop anything going down the back of it, should they drop off the wall again. Fortunately, the sticky stuff seemed to do the trick but this time we couldn’t be bothered to do all the measuring and spirit levelling again so we just bunged them back up. I’m not sure that they are now evenly spaced or straight but at least they are stuck to the wall.

Later that night, a few minutes after I had got into bed, there was an unusual scraping noise, followed by a clatter. I turned the light back on to discover that one end of my bedroom curtain rail had fallen down! FML! I wonder if sticky stuff will fix it? 🤔

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